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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in And It Hurts...'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, August 19th, 2007
7:58 pm
Why do some things feel different then you thought they would feel?
Why do you smile at times you're suppose to cry?
Why do you in some moments you do something you never wanted to do?
Why when you put yourself in a situation you promised yourself you would never put yourself in, in that same situation you are let down again?
Why would you break a promise you made to yourself to make another one,
in hopes that it would change?
when in all it just comes back to haunt you.
Why would this little peice of metal, now reprecent the first promise?
As a constant reminder to never break a promise again...
It all makes sense, I told myself the next time I do , I will be let down.
Matchbook romance said it right. "I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time.."

It's funny now though, just like I used to, I look down at it and smile.
I smile at every time I felt I was sure.
I smile for every time you made me believe it.
I smile at everytime you fell asleep, but it was all I could do not to sleep..
All those time I sang and I should have held by breathe.
All those times I came home, when i wasn't suppose to.
But mostly I smile for every girl I will never let in.
Every girl that I could fall in love with, but every girl I turn away.
I smile at every chance, every moment, every second I might have had at love.
That all the pain and suffering involved is nolonger worth it :)
And no, dont think this was because of you. You can't have that credit.
A girl showed me once, but i chose to forget it. You just reminded me that after all these years, I should always stick to my promises.
Never think for one moment, that something might be different that, this person might change, this situation is not same.
Because in the end.....
It the same...
its no different...
and shes just the same...
I just wanted you to know you feel guilty because you know its your fault.
You just wanted to see it work? You cant go into something like that just wanting to see if it works...haha its funny how I could have fooled myself to try.... when everything I felt was to not...This year feels like it just got 1000 x's better then it was going to......

Current Mood: happy
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
10:51 pm
One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.
The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
12:58 am
I used to tell myself, "I would never trade my suffering for the way I perceived things." i wouldnt trade my thoughts for anything.".....but happiness feels so good....
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
5:55 pm
I haven't updated recently...maybe its because i haven't found anything to update about. I haven't walked down me and james' steet at three in the morning anymore... i dont randomly wonder at night just to get away from everything..maybe its because i dont want to get away anymore. Maybe im tired of being distante from everything, maybe i want to be in the crowd. I guess i've really started to live. Im finally over everything. Tired of living in the past. Tired of looking for the future to release me from everything. I guess the whole time waiting it was always here. Maybe it was Europe. Maybe it was finding out, im not really alone. Maybe it was getting drunk on a dock in Greece, or laying out on the beach on the island of Aegina. Maybe it was going to Albania and living it up with my cousins and their friends. I dont know what struck it. I loved Europe. I loved being there. It felt great. but it was good to be back. I dont know what struck this new feeling of awarness this new feeling of bliss, this new feeling of comfort. I really have no idea. Maybe it was watching the world cup with my cousins and them cheering their heads off and jumping on tables when italy was going ot the finals. Maybe it was a little bit of it all. Getting drunk at 3 in the morning on some random dock in Greece with an Albanian that hardly speaks it and a Greece that knows even less..I dont know i just know im happy to be living.
Saturday, August 5th, 2006
10:26 pm

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Saturday, July 8th, 2006
2:46 pm
so its the most amazing time i've ever had...i was in Albania for two weeks than went to greece for a month now im back in albania I want to update more but i really dont have time but when i get back i promise i'll leave a long message and pictrures of everything i did... talk to you guys soon bye.
Sunday, May 21st, 2006
7:52 pm
I've got my things im good to go.
So i've taken all of my semester exams early,
all my grades are done, this school year is done..
Tomorrow I set sail or more lock my seat in the upright position.
But regardless im leaving, taking a plan and going to Europe for two whole months. You'll miss me I know it :)
Not much else to say im too excited to sleep or dont care too...
Goodbye to Everyone for two months....I LOVE YOU :)
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
6:56 pm
Another lonely night, with the lights off, Something corporate in the air, missing you to death.
Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
7:08 pm
Hmm, last night I couldn't fall asleep. So I went through a bunch of my old stuff and i found a bunch of old songs... I call them old because I dont even attempt to write anymore... I guess i've lost interest. But anyway I wanted to post some I thought it'd be fun and you might enjoy it...


"The cold air breath, blended with cigarete smoke. As I try to catch, all the memories we explored. this house, it's too cold. Or this bath tubs too warm. I think i've been out in the air too long. Just like bread turns to mold. I bleed in this form. The bathtub is empty, the house is deserted. Blood Flows like crimson flowers. A river of roses."

"I wish i could write something angry. I wish i could take it out in a song. But i just curl up in a frenzy, and try to right what you got wrong."

"And if you worry too much about my feeling's. Than i'll give you myself and show you why I think deaths so appealing. I'll give you all of me I'll show you the reason why i can't sleep. But in the end you'll hope you left me be. You'll realize there's nothing in the world that can fix me."

"I'll die in your arms if I can blame it on you. You can whisper to me. "If it hurts the ending will be so pretty. Oh, you're so beautiful to me." So twist the blade. Relieve the pain. So we can all die tragice. In a beautiful way."

"the most desperate moments in your arms. The moment I asked you to die. To let me end things the way the are. just too look back and think it was alright."

"Does he cry to you on the telephone? Or just settle for a goodbye?
does he come to you when he feels alone? cause, he knows he'll feel alright.
just being by your side. does he buy you roses on a wedensday? just to show you what he feels like. Does he put flowers in your hair? just to see the sight. Does he write you a fairytale? and ends it the way you'd like? Or does he call to say good morning than again to say goodnight? Or is he passed out in some strangers house? from too many drinks the perviousee night. Or does he count the seconds you've been away. realizing with each turning hand you'll never be back. Does he cry through the movies you used to watch? because he remembers the chap stick mark on his cheeks. from the times you'd leave over and sneak a kiss. The ones that stained his face forever. those times when your friends are looking away. so it feels like its our own bliss. Or does he write these empty poems, of empty sorrow. with a pen he stole. becaues he's run out of ink and he knows he wont sleep until tomorrow. Has he written you the same letter so many times. Now he knows it by heart. Written down in soul. Because hes out of paper so he could perfect such a thing. Or are his papers all water marked from the tears he spilled while he dreaded writing such things."


My love was open and content;
I showed the world how i felt.
You showed me how to hide;
Now i love you secretly as my love lied.
You not the angel i suppressed;
You not the princess I had guessed.
You're a devil in disguise of a saint.
Disguising yourself to show me what love ment.
so thank you i've lost all hope;
Its you I blame but someone new to cope.

Beauty glands off the petals shine,
I see my reflection in blood.
The petals bleed what you left behind.
My pain and misery over flood.

I will not be weak;
The soild will drink my tears
as a new flower will arise.
It will only be in need of the ground
and the skys.
The weather will decide
if i grow;
Us together will only make the process

Today my heart full of remorse and sorrow.
No hope for today, no future for tomorrow.
Take a man of wisdom at home;
take him far away so he feels alone.
The wisdom is gone;
the truth is told.
The feeling of warmth, is only warm when
the breeze is absent and nolonger cold.
The loss of touch can not be reached;
to feel again can not be teached.
To predict the weather the old man sees,
the patterns in the sky. He feels ast ease.
But move the sky and change the land.
The patterns that change, he nolonger tell
you the rain.
Nolonger smart, nolonger brave. He must
learn his tricks or feel the pain.

I know its long, but if you love you'd read every last word...
Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
11:00 pm
The saddest secrets are the ones we hide from ourselves..
I dont think you'd admit these secrets even if you could.
Too afraid, too ashamed, to proud to show the things that imperfect you.

...how sad...

Current Mood: secretive
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
7:20 pm

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Saturday, March 11th, 2006
11:25 pm
::15 Random Favorites::
1:The rose bush outside my window
2:James when hes drunk and has his british accent
3:starbucks coffee
4:my new battery powered tooth brush
5:winking ;)
7:Jack's Mannequin (Dark Blue)
8:Live journal
10:my Enrique iglesias True star Cologne
11:my bright eyes ticket from last year that i've cherished.
12:What every girl should smell like beyond paradise ESTEE LAUDER
13:bitlord for all my music
15:SLEEping with lisa!
::14 Favorite Foods::
::13 Most Watched Shows::
2:one tree hill
3:Family Guy
::12 Good Bands in your Opinion::
1:Death Cab for cutie
2:Bright eyes
3:Brand new
4:Jack's Mannequin
5:The Rocket summer
6:Early november
8:Something Corporate
9:Pink Floyd
11:The Cure
12:Taking Back Sunday
::11 Memories::
1:Sitting at the end of the curb on tangerine with james smoking a cigaret.talking of nothing you would understand.
2:Late night walks
3:looking at the stars
4:Taste of chaos with james
5:Being Drunk at the river and almost going down a water fall.
8:The beach
9:WALKING down the train tracks for almost 3 miles with james.
10:Park ave art show
11:elementry school
::10 Close Friends::
6:red neck mike from down the street.
::09 Things you're looking forward to::
1:ALBANIA and Greece this summer
2:NExt year of school
3:Italy after high school.
4:Reading the new harry potter book when it comes out.
5:Bushing my teeth tonight with that battery powered toothbrush
6:Falling in love.
7:The beach
8:getting married
9:having kids
::08 Things you wear daily::
8:....another pair of underwear incase those get dirty..EWW
::07 Things That Annoy You::
1:PEOPLE!! When they dont know what they want to order but try anyway!!
2:people that talk on their cell phone in a quiet place.
3:rude people
4:SLow computers
5:Internet that sucks
6:being bored
7:mean people
::06 Things You Touch Everyday::
1:computer keyboard
2:BED :)
3:Ryan napier ;)
4:my hair.
5:a pen
::05 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over::
1:Princess bride
2:Requim for a dream.
3:edward scissor hands
4:Fight Club
5:Romeo + Juliet
::04 Of Your Favorite Childhood Toys::
::03 People You Have Kissed::
::02 Of Your Favorite Songs::
1:Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)
2:We Looked LIke Giants
::01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With::
1:Havent met her yet..
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You've been totally Bzoink*d
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
7:56 pm
what is in a day for it to be so good? What does one need in its 24 hours to say it was worth living those two thousand and forty minutes? Is it when the sun gleams so good at the point where it gives off the image the road has diamonds encrusted in the asphalt. Or is it at the point where our eyes deceive us giving us false information when the flowers bloom and it gives that enchanting color giving us the impression its beautiful. Us the fools, we are thinking that colors exists when its just our mind misguiding our poor naive souls. Us the so called higher beings, us the ones that are able to think for ourselves, us being the greatest thing, how stupid and ignorant this is. We dont think for ourselves. More than ninety percent of you believe in an even higher being one that thinks for you, tells you what to do, tells you how to act, and how to feel. How is anything yours. The good day can't even be yours. The flowers dont bloom because you've had this stupid false smile on your face all day. The trees dont blow in the wind the same direction your hair does because you did something good. The sun isn't for you to shine. its to burn you alive. People arent smiling back because they know your having a good day. They're smiling to stare long enough to find what makes you so imperfect. To find a glitch in your life. To find the thing that makes you human. The birds dont sing for you to hear they're lullaby, they sing for a reminder not to be like you. So what is it? What is in your day that makes it so fucking worth while? What makes you lay in your precious little bed under your warm covers at night and fall asleep with a smile staining your face? one that is removed just as easily as it appeared? When so many lay down in a bed of nails and a cover of ice. How come, your so happy that day, when millions cry in they're sleep? Doesn't that bother you? That you've stolen someone else smile and placed it upon your greedy face? Why not let someone else have it for a while? How can you be so happy, so selfish, when theres so many that cry, when so many tears are shed that it can fill the sky. I guess it doesn't really matter on the things that make a good day. Theres no entourage of a good day. Theres nothing specific about something good. What might be good to me, might not to you. Plus i know if i could steal that smile across your face for just one second i would. Thats sad because that makes me exactly like you.

Current Mood: listless
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
10:37 pm
d o y o u
LIKE TO DRIVE?: I love driving

f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: Smallvill, One tree hill, Family Guy
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: Work, hang out, shows.

h a v e y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: Yes, Yes, I have
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: Yes, Who is your daddy and what does he do
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: I did it all the time, it was good fun

l o v e
CHILDREN: not as of yet but someday
CURRENT CRUSH: the little baby tiger in my calendure
BEEN HURT?: I burnt myself lighting my cigaret today. :/
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Waiting to long to become alive

r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yeah, I change tiers and make stuff for heart surgery
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Being in the company of good people, playing and making music, love, Flowers.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: My sister and james

WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: ummm, a band i lack in my collection...
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: Music, conserts, talk, drive, stool drop, throw down.

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
THING YOU PURCHASED: chips from the vending machine at school..

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The


"When I wake up alone, the shades are still

drawn on the cold window pane so they cast

their lines on my bed and lines on my


The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,

melancholy, and patience. It is governed by

the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,

or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a

hopeless romantic. You desire love and have

so much love to give, but thing just never

seem to work out the way you want them to.

In life, you can be very optomistic, even

when things are gray and nothing works out to

your expectations.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: creative
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
10:53 pm
Well I dont really know what I was looking for when I was going through my closet. I guess its those old little drawings I used to do, or the poems i used to write. But i stumbled over a notebook i hadn't seen in almost 2 years now. I started writing in probably March something of 8th grade, and i had put i down during that summer. I hadn't even thought about all of this, all these feelings I used to have and every battle i used to fight with myself..I guess it relieved to write it all down. To my surprise I even found a little fairy tale I wrote to someone. Its really strange because i didnt even know i had a copy of it... I find it funny reading it. I dont understand how i could have even sent it, its so poorly written but I guess at the time only the feelings matter and every word had so much feeling in it. So here it goes. I have no name for it by the way.

There once was a boy named Mishel, he had been curious about the world. He often pondered over a question. What if everything beautiful and everything good in the world such as, daises, sunrises; butterflys flying through meadows, and the trees blowing in the air, everything was brought together. What kind of creature would it create? What if everything the world had to offer were brought into one?
What kind of magnificent beauty would come forth? After wondering and thinking nothing came to mind so he gave up.
until one day after being introduced through some friends. he this girl, at first he though she was pretty but no feelings so he didnt think much of it. But after spending hours, days, weeks of talking to this person, knowing her, and learning so much about her and her life; with one long deep look into those beautiful eyes of hers that sparkle ten times brighter than any star in the sky. He realized what he had longed for. realized the answer to the question that the beauty of the sunset, the stars gleaming in the sky, the moon shining brightly, and the glow of the sea when the stars and moon reflect upon it. Realized it made this enchanted creature taht roamed the ground he walked upon. realized she was it realized she was everything he could ever want, realized he loved her realized he loved......
The end
Oh, yes..and they lived happily ever after.

I actually smiled when i saw this and i hope this makes all of you that look at it smile.its poorly written but its an 8th grader in love, I guess its true fairy tales arent true. But hey theres plenty of opportunities to make another one and hope it comes true, if not you try again or live by this old over used saying "its best to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" if i could go back and change something...... I wouldn't.... How things turn out is how they're suppose to. if they werent it wouldn't have happened. I dont much believe in destiny but i believe some things just arent ment to be..

Current Mood: smile
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
12:27 am
Hear me when I speak
and just listen
and try not to be
some kind of self-righteous high being
with the opposite mislead me
to better your mind and see
this is a story
of how we can't be...

YOU ENDED ME! YOU ENDED EVERYTHING I COULD EVER HOPE TO BE! I HOPE ALL OF THIS HAS MADE YOU HAPPY... BECAUSE ITS KILLING ME!! I DIE MORE WITH EVERY BREATH THAT I CAN STILL TAKE. BUT DONT WORRY, AROUND YOU I'LL PRETEND, I'LL PRETEND NOT TO FEEL SO FAKE...I'LL PRETEND MY MIND, MY HEART, MY LOVE FOR YOU ISN'T SO FUCKING MISPLACED! I SWEAR IT, IT WONT SEEM LIKE I STILL LOVE YOU. I'll pretend the trees dont blow in the wind. I'll pretend that birds have no voice no beauty when they sing. I'll lie about everything, that the beauty of the world doesnt make your face. I'll lie, i'll lie and i'll live a lie, i'll be a poet that writes with string. I'll continue living and lie to my loves.. I'll tell them i love them with all my heart. I'll promise them they're sent from above. I'll make them believe i've loved them from the start. When your the only one i could honestly ever love. Isnt it sad how i still talk about you? isnt it sad that you have no clue. I think its sad that i still love you. I think its sad my dreams every little detail, every little picture, every little flower, and all the bees, the big picture is you. This isn't how i see you..this is the distorted picture of yellow thats suppose to be blue. This isnt the whole picture just the colors i see in your face. so to the rest of the world im color blind. Im stuck with this picture in my head. A picture of me and you laying together in our death bed. I dont know if it means we'll die together or if we'll die by each others hands. which ever it is i hope you kill me first because im dying slowly without you close. theres no more pictures of you and me theres just the view on this screen. the view of a boy standing all alone, i wish i could show the picture in my head with his head tilted gently to the lower right, he sits and thinks and dreams and feels, and its sad that when im sad it just makes me more sad. Or when i hurt it just hurts so much more. its pathetic when i cry, i cry more than i should, and when i feel for a moment and realize i love you, it just makes me love you so much more. I dont understand any of this, because when i feel alone, i seem to drift farther away, and when i dig it seems im digging myself in. I dont get any of this or if this even makes sense.This isnt how i wanted to get it out. I've broken you down to every inch, i've taken you all apart, to figure out how to perfect something. But none of it makes sense, why you make the sunset so jealouse, why flowers wish to smell your face, why birds wish they could sing, why everyone wants to be in my place, I guess im just happy having to have had you and lost you because i once possesed such great perfection. But now i wish just one more time i could kiss you so close and see your facial expression. This isnt what i've figured out. I cant put these feelings into words..this isnt even the closest i could get. this is just the closest i could reach with tears enveloping my eyes. this is the only words i could get with so many blurs in my mind. these aren't so pretty and they're not so perfect... I cant reach how beautiful you've gotten to me. . I cant perfect anything. When seeing something so perfect, everything else looks so dull. I dont nkow why im still writing or what this is.maybe i write this in hopes you'll see, or maybe i write it because my lack of sleep. Maybe im just tired of dreaming. maybe im just tired of sleep screaming.. maybe im sick of feeling, and you feeling bliss. its not that i dont want you to be happy, but that your happy without me. and i cant seem to find an ending for this maybe its because i want my last words to come out of you. My last wish, for you to come true....

the way it is, is how im leaving it im not spell checking or second looking..
Monday, January 16th, 2006
6:25 pm
well im sneaking to update this again. I guess I found good reason too. I've come to realize a lot these couple of weeks being surrounded by these four walls for so long. I guess it wasnt really sitting in my room when these thoughts occurred, but more when i was on the move.On my way to work as the picture is distorted from everything moving so fast from the passenger seat.I've realized that we take so many risks without thinking about it. We gamble on so many thoughts without taking a second look. We venture so many hazardous feelings without looking back on what happened before. I've realized when we fall in love with someone we dont only fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the situation, we fall in love with our surrounding, we fall in the love with the chances, and we fall in love with the miamis atmosphere. Its just like the joy in tossing something in mid-air and taking the chance to catch it. Its just like standing on the end of the mountain with one foot over of the edge and the other barely balanced on the other end, hoping the wind behind you isnt strong enough to push you off. We fall in love with the opportunity, When we go out on limb, take a flier, the chance it will all come crashing down. We fall in love with the feeling that everything can and might some day come crashing down at your feet. When what your tossing up might splatter all over your face, causing you to go blind and lose your sense of sight. when instead of coming down so gently and slow like all the other times we've come adjust to, it might just sneak and perish at your glance. When all of a sudden the serene breeze becomes a thunder storm with lighting strikes at your feet pealing off little particles of rock with every strike and the thunder so loud and frightening knocking you off your feet falling straight down to the rocky barren below, where you laid out on your stomach and your face one with the floor. But we're stuck on that feeling that even if the wind strengthens we'll hang off the cliff in mid-air hoping that person would never let you fall. We're all stuck on the feeling when your just a little kid climbing up a tree and you lose your footing and tumble backwards and something catches you in mid-air. Like gravity has no meaning anymore, like no more rules apply for life, like theres nothing you cant do. When all this is, is hope, hope that floats around like a hot air balloon waiting to run out of gas and explode in some foreign country you've never even heard the name before. Some place where you wouldn't even know where to start, where you wouldn't even know how to begin to understand their native tongue. When all hope is, is a bubble that inflates you and keeps you rising and ascending until the day it pops with your heart stuck in the middle and the glass pieces ready to break when it hits the cement floor. The cement floor stained with glass pieces with different shades of red for every time your love grew. For every time you didnt realize your were getting higher and higher and setting yourself up for a bigger fall, a bigger tree, a bigger mountain, and a bigger toss. Tell me how can you put glass back together in its original form? It would take a lot of heating, a lot of melting and lot of shaping to put it the way it was. But the fact of the matter it it will never be the same. No matter what you do, no matter what anyone says it will never be the same. Because its a differnt time, its made again with differnt feeling and hands that have ages since. So how can any of it be the same? it cant,You'll never be stuck in mid-air again... You can blame it on them, you can cry in your sleep, you can avoid them forever, and you can deny you ever felt. But the truth is its your fault. All your fault. You said yes, you agreed to fall in love, you took the risk, you let it happen! So the only person you can blame is you! How can we stay up so high when gravity fucking ruins everything? How can we freeze time when time is always on the move? How can we fucking keep on the edge of the mountain when theres so many rock shifts? the truth is we cant! The truth is you take the chance you better be willing to break. Im tired of floating, im tired of crashing, im tired of getting tossed, im tired of falling, and im tired of being splattered at your feet. so i've made my decision, i'll never flying again without the proper wings, i'll never freeze time without building a time machine. I'll never climb a mountain without you climbing it first, i'll never go up a tree without a rope holding me. I swear i'll never fucking love again without being loved first. So if you can answer this than you can change my mind.


Current Mood: blah
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
10:38 am
Yeah, so im totally in trouble and i cant do anything!!!
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
1:40 am
I've been really busy lately working and just hanging out all over the place... I've actually put these two weeks to good use. I've decided on this live journal thing im only going to update one day of the week and if i miss that day than im going to wait until that day come again next week. But the good thing about this is they're never going to be regular normal updates just telling you about how my week went, im going to try and rememeber and feel as i write every feeling or every epiphany i've had..

Well i've been thinking lately. What if you were to change every aspect, every single movement, every feeling you've ever felt and do a complete 180 degree turn. I know most people would say a 360 but that would just bring you back to where you left off... but just think what if instead of walking in a specific store all the time your always walking out. Or every way you've ever walked, every path you've ever taken you'd take the opposite... What if everything changed that drastically. What if every person you've ever loved you hate. Or everyone you've ever looked at and said i wish i looked like that or i wish i could feel like that or i wish i could be that it would be the opposite you would despise everything that person is. Think about it you love what you've hated and hated what you've loved... How about every person you've seen you'd turn blind too and remember everyone you've ever missed a glance walking by. What if every person that has ever caught your eye its the person behind or in front of them that really caught your eye. What if every time you walked into the bathroom you really walked out... What if that feeling of love you had for that significant other you supposibly care about so much you never felt it. What if that person you despise most in the world is really the one you love. What if you learn how to change every feeling and every emotion and make it the total opposite, what state would that put you in? imagine you feel lost now how lost you would feel than. Imagine every happy feeling you've ever felt thinking back now you rememeber feeling sad instead. Or every little thing out of life that you remember makes your heart jump, thinking back it makes your heart sink. How about every person you've ever met now you have no clue if you were too look at them.. Or think what if everyone you thought of ugly and thought you were soo above them, so much better, when you thought you were out of their league now you look at them and they're out of yours... What if every beautiful or gorgeouse human being that you have ever laid eyes upon now to you is disgusting and you look at them in disgust you look at them and you want to puke! What if every single time you've ever felt like buying a cd, now the idea is stupid, or everytime you wanted to buy shoes you went and bought socks, Or instead of walking into the mall you only see yourself walking out. Or every relationship you've ever wanted to stay in you cant imagine in it longer than three seconds. What if every single thing you've ever seen is really the opposite? WHat if im really not typing on the computer? What if writing this down to me i did the opposite instead i was there in front of you talking and speaking words to you instead of you reading them? What if reading was hearing? and watching was feeling? What if feeling is not caring what if thinking is really what you feel and feeling is what you think? Does any of this make sense? It would if you're in the state i'am the state in which up until recently i couldnt really put into words. But if your not all this doesnt make sense your life is totally going to be the same. Walking into the mall your only going to see yourself walking in not walking out. Feeling for that boy down the street with his beautiful hair and great body that makes your mouth drip still makes it drip when looking at that beautiful girl with that fabulouse body makes my mouth go dry. This state in which you could only reach if you wanted too, only by taking that 180 degree turn. But of course you wouldn't see it as a smart choice if you havent made the turn. none of this would make any sense to you what so ever. You would think im just talking lunacy. Maybe you see me crazy if i were to say instead of listening to music i taste it. Maybe you wouldn't understand when i told you the girl at the well isn't really drinking from it but being drank by it. You wouldn't get it if i told you i was being watched by my tv or being writen by my computer. You wouldn't get it that every step i took walking down the street i really was walking the other way. Instead of always going out im always coming home... None of this would have any importance to you if you haven't taken the complete turn the opposite of everything you've ever done, The epiphanys you've struck are really bluring the truth, or the lies you've ever been told are really what you should believe This state "this Feeling of total and absolute self confusion".. no none of this really matters to you unless you are trully confused but than you really wouldnt be but you would be, you would understand everything. Doesnt it make sense Being lost you can understand everything, being at that point where nothing makes sense doesn't really mean you dont understand it means you understand more than anyone else.. it doesnt matter what people see it as they could have the total wrong view on things maybe your the one thats right maybe your the one that really has a grasp on life.... Mabye they're wrong. When your so confused looking at everything and thinking the way it is could possibily be the right way... Confused doesn't mean you dont understand..No, no, not at all. Confused means you have more than a mouthful to say. Confused means you have so much of an understanding on the subject or feeling that theres too much too say and not enough time to say it.. So you sit there pondering which to get out first causing you to feel lost... Confused can mean your looking at something and thinking,thinking so much it can be right..why can't it? Because someone else says your wrong? WRong that just means your right. that just means you understand more that just means they havent taken the turn...

no, i have yet to take the turn.........This all means nothing to me...
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
2:25 am
Well i've realized why lately i've been so keen on accomplishing so much... Well i stopped doing coke or so much... I learned that when you do it, when your coming down from it all the little things in life you cant enjoy anymore you want big things too happen. I haven't been updating much and everytime i do im on coke... so that kinda explains why im talking about the future and just wanting so much.. i cant enjoy the little things anymore... music even i lost interest for a couple days... :(...eating i dont even know the word... ugh. On the up note tomorrow me and james are having a sophisticated night... going to park ave just the two of us getting coffee and james his hot chocolate... I wanted to wear our suits so we could feel rich but james took his back, he only rented... im buying him one.... and one day we'll go with our suits drinking coffee and everyone will gaze at us like we're somebody :) that makes me smile... Well out of boredom and my lack of sleep... which i have to wake up early for this job thing i have to do tomorrow and i still cant sleep... so im staying up... Well out of boredom i wrote a little of a song... I like it.. it can be a song or a poem which ever you'd like its not official... but here it goes...Keep in mind i have no name so if you can think of a good name.. than give me ideas.. keep in mine though im really picky with names im never satisfied....

The only time you feel fake, is when you think the world around you isn't real. Like your stuck in a coma, with the ability to still dream. "So lie to all your senses and tell them your not real, and lie to all your feelings and tell them you cant feel, and trick your mind to show it's never what it seems, and trick your heart of everything it Feines." Fill it with the things it never wanted. Just so it can pump life, to show you when its got it. Just to feel a little excited.
When it really has what it wanted. to show it lied. when it really has what it wanted. you'll know every drop when its satisfied. Teach it to love the things it despises most, cause the more you love the brighter the cost. The more you love the more loves take in a dose. When you love your fullest the more love is spread. When you love beyond the line, you'll never be dead. and everything will eventually turn to fine. Cause if you love than you'll be remembered in everyones mind.

I wanna save you!! I need you to save me too!!

Make me stop loving her!!!!
I love everyone that loves me and the ones that hate me too!!


Current Mood: awake
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